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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jimmy_the_hand's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
10:42 pm
been ages so you need an update
well Ive got a job wahoo, I now work for the RBS group. and thats all I can say about it really (data protection act and secrasy contaracts) it does amuse me however that the bank has a tighter secrasy contract than the army. elly and the babby have gone to play in israel so I am lonly in the house. but ime a big boy now so Ime shure Ile be fine. any way got to get up for work at 6 so I better go home and try to sleep I will write a propper entry tomorrw.
Friday, August 6th, 2004
11:00 am
my god its even close

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Sunday, August 1st, 2004
9:38 am
flying days
the week has shot by proberbly cos i have been so busey.i am seriously thinking about a milatry carrear, I have been for a long time for differant reasions, those who know me wel know I am not the patrotic type but on the other hand there are somthings that have to to done and if there arnt any people willing to foight they wont get done. the wife isnt to happy mind so I will have to sort it out first. speaking of the wife its here birthday today, she is 20 againe :-P (well come on it wouldent be polite for me to tell you now would it) so she is sleeping in i could do the suffering kick of being up untill 3am and then getting up and 6:30am but Ime not suffering so why bother. (yea although the depression has gone my wunderfull dreams havent i wunder if they ever will dout it) some of you may find this stupid but I am a little worried now that I will end up in some dead end job never doing anything ok so Ime 20 and I have alot of time yadda yadda yadda but I have left all forms of schooling at 16, I spent one year in colladge pissing about and then left i can go in to all the extenuating sercumstances about my fucked up family life but I am tierd of going over the same groundso lets just say I was not a happy kiddie and I have the sacars to prove it.any way as Iw as saying I have done fuck all I have a koid who I feel will be extreemly dissapointed in me and now cash or time to make anything of my self in the forseeabal fucher. ah well at least in a paralell unaverseI am a lonly down and out on crack, and in another one I am richer than bill gates I think I have a nice middle ground here

Current Mood: disappointed
Saturday, July 24th, 2004
11:49 pm
updates
i am feeling verry thick right now people are graduating all round me and I havent botherd going to uni yet ah well I may yet do it, dout it mind.

any way what els well in the last jornal I was vewing a house I took it and have been trying to make it livabal since, for those of you not familer with uk council housing I will tell you what I have done (I mean me ersonally btw) striped wall papper off the the walls pulling allot of plaster with it, so I replasterd the wall. then I fixed radatored hat somone fit a boiler and reglase some windowes while I was laying floore in the bedrooms living room I still have the kichen bathroom and hall to go (I supose I could have maide do with the composit floore) as well as painting filling holes building shelves putting up curtens fitting kichen units sorting out the plumbing for the bath becuase I got tierd or waighting for the council to pull there finger out and thats evrything I can remeber right now but there is more to do.

wich sould explane why I have not been on for a long time, so what has all this got me I am still out of work compleatly over my depression have a three month old teething babby who is verry grumpy a wife who decided to tell me that she wasnt in love with me any more the other day, she then saod she still loved me but wasent oin love with me leaving me to wunder where I stand.not unsuprisingly I was devistated by that last reverlation and I am not shure she understood why but enough of my relationship stuff here thats me in a nut shell for now
things should get more intersting shortly as I will actully be doing stuff unfortinatly I will not have a computer. so I will just have to come and us this one its a good excuse to see the folks :-P

and remeber its what you learn after you think you know it all thats important.

Current Mood: cynical
Sunday, June 20th, 2004
1:00 am
Crivens!!!
things seem to be moving finally on wednsday I go to look at an appartment :-D
thats about it for now. short and to the point for a change
Thursday, June 17th, 2004
2:01 pm
wedding anversorysw and daddyes day
its weird and exiting my first farthers day is comming up the 3 days ime grinnig really oddly and Ime not shure why I mean well yes it is the first time I can celerbrayte it but he is only 2 months old so anythin I get will be from my perants or teh missus (or both) but Ime still exitind Bizzare really but then I always was.

then 2 days after farthers day it will be my second wedding anaversory that is really weird I mean I diddent even exect to ever have a forst one never mind a second so I am in a peramnt state of shock right now. for that reasion I maide myself a choclate mouse wich carmed me down to make this wunderfull thing you need

125g of melted dark choclate
4eggs seperated
3/4 of a cup of cream
and a fridge

lightly beat the yolkes then add them to the mented choclate after stering them in fold in the cream.

beat the whites untill soft peaks fold them in to the mixture poor in to serving dishes and refiderate for at least 6 houers.

nice simple and should serve 4 people :-)

Current Mood: amused
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
7:40 am
its been a wile
well it has since I was online so I am writing a new jornal entry not shure why I dont have much to say but it lets you know Ime alive and still have what passes for sanaty with me. any wqay whats new. Ime back to being my self in evry way that counts wich persnally is a great waight off my mind. and I carnt even say that i had help it had to do with me being a stubern shit as always and telling myself to get a grip, so in myself I am a dam site happyer becuse I dont feel such a liabilaty to this happy babbling thiny that is biting my ear as I type. god my son is wunderfull I could go on for houers but I wont Ile restrane myself insted I will write about another fantastic event one of the resterants I worked for in israel got a michalin star just after I left
I am a top class chef and I diddent even know it how bizare
ah well thats it for now I will be more prllific for a wile toodles

Current Mood: amused
Monday, May 24th, 2004
3:16 am
update
ime still feeling weird. but I have got a handle on it now.or so it seems tomorrow I go to drive a fork lift wich will be fun I hopeother than that my life seems to be ploding along at the same pace some monotanus crap day after day with nothing to make it more intersting. looking after my sone is great though. I am begining to feel a buit neglected as no one sends me emails any more although I dont send them eather so I dont know why I care. I am thinking of writing to somone like gorden ramsey to see if he will give me a job (or at leasta trial) ambishious I know but why not I know what I am doing in a kichen I just need more experance and any way I am shure I can do it ah well that it from the waste wich is my life how are you people?

Current Mood: contemplative
Friday, May 14th, 2004
3:32 am
shit
went to that fuckin momoral servace and it has totally fucked with my head i couldent stay for the whole thing just got up and walked out. i was very proude of myself took all the self controle I possesed not to sprint out of there it was fucken awful you know those pressure tanks where divers go to traine for deep sea stuff in well it was like one of those but insted of air pressure it was greaf and paine a room ful of people who where only there to be fuckin misrabal together i kept trying not to say "what the fuck are you people doin here really whatgood is it doin any of us to dwell on the fact that we have lost somone and you prest shut the fuck up with your patronising bull shit about how muh od loves us if he loved us so fucken much he wouldent have put us through this so puiss of ok" insted of doin that I walked out and put my fist though a door. and tried not to think about hurting myself just to feel somthing els other than all that greafit diddent work mind
nothin like slitten my wrists so dont panic I just have a bad habbit of showering in water that ois far to hot for me not intenchally I just turn up the heat without thinking worrying really.

on a lighter note I have decided to stop being so fuckin useless and get a grip I dont give a shit hat thequack says Ime gona go back to work and if it is bad for me Ile deal with it I have an intavew tomorrow so wish me luck
and if I dont get that I start to lean how to drive fork trucks on the 24th
so we will see how we do I dont hold out much hope for the intavew I am still fucked up so I will proberbly make a stupid mistake

Current Mood: Draned and a bit drunkish
Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
3:44 pm
I feel like shit
niot shure why I just feel really sick. I think part of it has to do with me going out the house (I am in the libry right now) because I am going to a councaling appointment (joy) not shure why els I would really. I am also getting increasingly nervace about this remberance servace in 4 days. it is for all the kids who died at the hospice my sister died in, i feel I have to go for my family but personally it isnt my thing I mean I know that I can keep myself together on the out side bt internally it is totally goin to fuck me up and I dont feel strong enough to deal with it. i feel like I m just about keeping myaself together as it is, i am not even shure why but I just carnt alow myself to fall appart. some people think I need to ah crap go to go or I will e late I will finish this off later

Current Mood: crappy
Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
6:25 am
melenioum shrimp
among my usual horabl dreams that I wont regale you with I also had a compleatly sureal one this week. I carnt remeber the exact days but I dont really think it matters. th dream was about the melenioum shrimp a creature of emence proprtions that lived for years and could solve all the worlds problems. it was also the creature I found mself cutting up and cooking for tony blear gorge bush and the queen of england. a bit odd really

Current Mood: confused
Monday, May 3rd, 2004
3:40 am
dreams
I am having increasingly worse dreams and they have chagend for once. that may mean somthing but I dont know whatthe latest one I was slaughtering my family with a kichen knife. wich was nice really i could feel the blood I mean really feel it I woke up and my hands felt sticky..jesus Ime cracking up

Current Mood: sick
Saturday, May 1st, 2004
1:01 am
fuck bucket continued
now that she has gone to bed I can carry on without being critasised for actully feeling somthing. i am so tierd of feeling bad. I am scerd that I do have a mental problem and scerd that I dont beacuse if I dont i have no excuse for feeling so bad and it will just be that I have failed and fucked up. jesus Ime tierd compleatly and utterly. I am tierd in my bones, and my head. I need a break from myself. jesus I am holding myself self together by shear stubberness and caffine but I carnt fall appart i carnt aford to I dont know what will happen ah shit I am getting whinny
I should go to bed
good night Ime goin to lay me down not to sleep

Current Mood: crushed
Friday, April 30th, 2004
12:47 am
fuck bucket
on the ninth of next month there is a momoral servace for my sister at the hospice where she died. i am going dunot know why just feel like i should, not that I want to that I should for the family I supose ah well i get to see the councaler on the 4th wich is ok but the shrink i dont see untill the 18th only 9 days after the servace so i will be at my most buggerd.
I am now being told off for decidedng these things so I gess I should stop.
Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
2:08 am
who needs sleep ... Alcohol
WHO NEEDS SLEEP

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangeld in the sheets
I swim insweat three inches deep
I just lay back and clame defeat

Chapter read and lesson learnd
I tunred the lights off while she burned
so while shees three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze

Lids down, I count sheep
I count hartbeats
the onlly thing that counts
is I wont sleep
I countdown I lookaround

Who needs sleep?
well your never gonna get it
Who needs sleep
Tell me whats that for
Who needs sleep
be happy with what youre getting
theres a guy been awake
since the second world war

My hands are locked up tight in fists
my mind is racing filled with lists
of things to do and things Ive done
anopther sleepless nights begun

Lids down, I count sheep
I count hartbeats
the onlly thing that counts
is I wont sleep
I countdown I lookaround

Who needs sleep?
well your never gonna get it
Who needs sleep
Tell me whats that for
Who needs sleep
be happy with what youre getting
theres a guy been awake
since the second world war

Theres so much joy in life
so many plesurs all around
but the plesure of insomnea
is one Ive never found
with all life has to offer
theres so much to be enjoyed
but the plesures of insomnea
is one I carnt avoide

ALCOHOL

Alcohol my permanant accessory
Alcohol a party time necessaty
Alcohol alternative to feeling like yourself
O alcohol i still drink to your health

I love you more than I did the week before
I descoverd alcohol
Forget the caffe latte
Screw the raspbreey iced tea
a malibu and coke for you a G&T for me
alcohol your songs resolve like
our lives never will
when somoneels is picking up the bill

I love you more than I did the week before
I descoverd alcohol
O alcohol would you please forgive me
For while I cannot love myself
Ille use somthin els

I thought alcohol was just for those with
nothing els to do
I thought drinking just to get drunk
was a waste of precious booze
But now I know theres a time
and there a place where I can choose
to walk the fine line between
self controle and self abuse

I love you more than I did the week before
I descoverd alcohol
would you please gnore that you
found me on the floore
trying on your camisole
O alcohol would you please forgive me
For while I cannot love myself
Ille use somthin els

Current Mood: creative
Monday, April 26th, 2004
1:31 am
high above the muckey muck
ok ok so I like my tanshious D cd live with it.
ok so whats new. well I am going paranoide in my old age. I have been having increasing amounts of trouble just leaving the house not because I am scerd I just dont see the point in doing anything. other than that my wife wantes to get my son cercumsised and get him a passport, insted of seeeing this as him being cerumcised because he is jewish and him getting a passport so they could visit her family I saw it as her getting redy to do a runner with him. although why somone would want to stay with me I dont know. ah well I am getting parnoide and strange in my old age good aint it

Current Mood: pessimistic
Sunday, April 25th, 2004
12:38 am
Zanzabar
"whats your faveriout dish Ime not goin to cook it but ile order it from ZANZABAR" the romantic pater lyou find in songs these days I like it. I am feeling decidadly cynical about evrytin today I like it reminds me of me well how I used to be when I was les fucked up. had some fun today well depends on your definishion of fun, my brother the tiquondo black belt dident like some comment of mine so used his usual comment of "I can break your leg" or some shit along those lines. so after more of the usual bull sit where I say "try it" and he says "dont tempt me" and I say "whats wrong chicken" you know that crap wich you think only appers in really bad western movies untill you end up sayin it yourself. he took a swing verry quickly ended up on his ass to. I am not really proude of it and no one got hurt but it took out the anger that had been bulding up for a few days. maygbe I should go to trainig split a few more punch bags or somthin.

Current Mood: and cynical
Saturday, April 24th, 2004
1:56 am
been away for a bit
no patiul;ar reasion Ive just been really buisy with my son that and I find doing alot of things pointless these days i feel tierd and lonly not just phisacly tierd, bone tierd tierd of evrything dealing with people dealing with myself and how I am Ive started dreaming about toping myself and its weird, I doe and evryone is happy they get on with there lives insted of being dragged down by my fucked up self.i keep telling people that I am to stubern to comit suisde but after these dreams part of me wunders if I am just to selfish. oh well I gess it dosent matter ime angry at the system againe I sond like a disgrunteld hippy who wants to stick it to the amn, you see I had 2 sessions with a councaler before she pissed off for 3 weeks leaving me with some fuckin tabel to fill out about trigers and how that makes me feel think and act. jesuis I have spent the best part of my life repressing my felings beucse I am far to busey to deal with messy emoshans and now they want me to know what it is Ime feeling for fucks sake whats the point. I am goin to see a shrink soon as well I have been sayin that for a wile but I finally have an apointment and I only had to sacrafice three chickions must be a slow week for the dark gods hay.
mother in law came to visit from isreal last week end that was erm intersting. she was talkin to my wife in hebrew about how we carnt live like this and she should take the kid to israel leaving her insane husband behind they think I couldent understand what was being said. enough ranting I think its making me angry wich will only lead to me brakin somthin

so what have I done recantly well not much playin GT3 Aspeck on the playstation to nothin like making cars go round in circals is there. I am atempting to write a story although I have been atempting to write storyies for years another pointless exercise as I am shit at it at least I think so otghers dont. ah well I supose I should stop this wine and get a drink..oh thats the other thing I have ran out of wisky so I have to drink beer my god its harsh

Current Mood: busy
Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
1:46 am
suisdal
i am feeling susidal these days and I dont like it my moods rbge from desper to indifferanceand maybe if I am lucky I will smile jesus how fucked up is that. dunno why I am writing this I have nothin els to say any way I supose I just felt Ihad to say it to somone..ah well Ile be off now.

Current Mood: indifferent
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
5:44 am
things are movin
finally its a fuckin miracal, on wednesday I will have my second councaling apointment so things are stating to move. although I am really pissed of about this to (funny that I never get pissed off) you see I asked my quack to see a shrink he referd me to one the shrink read my notes dident even look at me and referd me to a councaler. who is now refering me back to the shrink I wish they would make up there minds. I mean for fucks sake Ive ben really down resantly wich is weird I mean somthin good actully happend but I have to be depressed great aint itgess i just have to be akword.. ah well more cofy i think

Current Mood: angry
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